Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
