I love black thongs
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
