I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
