my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Congratulations! We have a period
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