Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
