Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
