I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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