My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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