she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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