For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
