if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
