I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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