When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
