Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
