I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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