babies were throwing up all over the place
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
