wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
