no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I met the friendliest cop last night
where am i from again
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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