Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
