I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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