fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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