You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
