my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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