He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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