Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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