MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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