I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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