his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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