New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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