yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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