so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
