Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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