i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
