the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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