I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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