Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
