She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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