wat bout pragnant strippers??
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
