i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
