got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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