a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
