Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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