so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
