just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
