Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
