Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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