WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
