it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
