You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
