I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
