i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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