While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There's always time for handjobs
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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