You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
